Parenting Tips

Listed below you will find the answers to some of the most commonly asked questions from parents. These parenting tips have been prepared by Dr. John Sharry, who is a family psychotherapist and parenting author with over 15 years clinical experience in child and adolescent mental health. John is also author of ten books in counselling and mental health including seven best selling books for parents and families.

Click on the links below to go to the age group that interests you.

Parenting Age 1 to 6

Parenting Age 6 to 11

Parenting Teens

Parenting Tips Age 1 to 6:

Kicking and Agression:
Q. My daughter is nearly 4 years old and she sometimes can become aggressive when we correct her or tell her to do something. This doesn’t only happen with my husband and me. Last week she kicked her aunt when a toy was taken off her. If we give out to her or get angry, she just laughs. How should we handle this?

A. The best way to deal with a behaviour problem like kicking is to approach it on a number of levels. First of all, you need to have a clear plan of action as to what you are going to do when she kicks. Rather than giving out or getting angry (which as you have discovered can sometimes make things worse) it is better to have a clear consequence which can use each time she hits out. For example, you could adopt a Time Out procedure, whereby if your daughter kicks she has to go and sit on a chair in the corner for two minutes or until she is quiet. The trick to making this work is to be really calm and persistent. When your daughter kicks you calmly and firmly say ‘You mustn’t kick Mummy, now you have to sit on the Time Out chair’. Then you must ignore all her protests and calmly insist she sits on the chair. To get your daughter’s co-operation it is a good idea to explain the Time Out in advance with her. With young children it can be useful to use a series of pictures (which you can draw) to make the steps clear, for example using the name Emma, the pictures could show 1)Emma kicks 2) Emma sits on chair 3) Emma sorry 4) Emma and Mum friends again and then to read them to her so she knows exactly what is going to happen.
As well as having a plan of action for when your daughter kicks, it is also very important to try and prevent the misbehavour happening in the first place. While you might be firm and insistent she keeps rules, never show anger to her and try to remain calm and positive. In addition, show her how to behave well by going out of your way to praise and encourage her good behaviour and remember to set aside playtime and nice activities with her which are a break from conflict for you both.

Language Development
Q. My son is 18 months old and I am concerned that he is not speaking as much language as his brother did at his age. He understands everything but only uses a few words and points to communicate. How can I help him to speak more?  

A. Children all develop at different rates and in different areas. It is normal for some children to start speaking very early and others to start a little later. However, there are lots you can do to help your son’s language as follows:

·         Instead of putting direct pressure on your son to say words or answer questions, increase his  opportunity to use words by slowing down to wait  for him to  start a ‘conversation’ with a sound or word.  

·         You can then encourage his attempts at sounds and words by repeating them after him and adding on a new word. Responding to his efforts with a big smile and a warm tone will encourage your child to say the word again. 

·         Keep your language clear and simple and use a tuneful voice. At your son's stage, single words which motivate him e.g. "again", "car", "more" will be the easiest for him to repeat. 

·         Children need to hear a word many times to understand and begin to use it, so make sure to say the same words again and again in daily routines, e.g. when dressing, washing etc.  

·         Listen to nursery songs and sing together. The words are simple and predictable, which makes it easier for children to tune into sounds and words and practice using their voice in a fun way. 

·         Set up a daily 15 minute play-time with your son. Get down on the floor with some simple toys he like to play with e.g. cars, blocks, animals, shapes. Rather than asking questions and speaking too much, watch what he is interested in and say the word for him. For example if your son holds up a toy dog, you could say "doggy" and make a dog noise. Wait then to give  him a chance to respond to your language.

If you remain concerned about your son’s development seek an assessment from a speech and language therapist.

Starting School
Q. My daughter is starting school for the first time next week. I am very nervous about it. What is the best way to ensure it goes well? 

A. Starting school for the first time, is certainly a big event in the life of a young child but it can be an even bigger event in the lives of the parents. A child starting school is a big change for any parent and it is normal to have a range of feelings such as excitement that your child is making a big step towards growing up as well as a sense of loss that she is moving away from you.  Here are some ideas on how to prepare.

• Talk to your child about starting school well in advance. If you are feeling anxious, try and not let this come through to your child. Rather be positive and matter of fact about what you say – starting school is just another happy event in her life, which will give her opportunities to play with new children and to learn new things.
• Books are a great way of talking to children about starting school – there are loads of books in the shops which tell the story of a child starting school and all that happened in simple language. You can make a trip with your daughter to the school building to she knows exactly where she will be going.
• For a few weeks prior to school, it is also helpful to get into a ‘school like’ routine for example, getting up a little earlier and even introducing a regular table activity, such as drawing in the mornings, so your child is beginning to get used to a routine.
• On the first day, most children are excited about the prospect of going to school and though some might be a little anxious especially when you leave, they generally settle in quickly after that. Schools usually have very good procedures about helping children settle into the first day at school - remember they are used to supporting the parents as much as the children on the first day!
• After school do not have too much planned as your daughter is likely to be tired (especially for the first few days) as she adjust to the new routine. Have some playtime with them, take an interest in what happened in school and give them space to chat, but don’t pressure them to say too much.  BACK TO TOP

Parenting Tips for Age 6 to 11 

Self Esteem
Q. My nine year old girl is unconfident and unsure of herself. She is often putting herself down or avoiding doing things in case she gets them wrong. I took her to a summer sports camp, but she kept saying that she couldn’t do any of the sports and that the other girls didn’t like her, so much so that she eventually dropped out. I am really worried about her because I don’t want her to go through life with such low self-esteem.

A. Like your daughter, a lot of children suffer from a lack of confidence and can fear doing new things. It often happens with children who are naturally anxious or self-conscious or who tend to worry a lot. Helping these children build confidence and gain a stronger sense of self-esteem takes a lot of time and patience. As a parent, you can be tempted to push children into new situations and new friendships so that they can learn confidence, but it is very important that you do this at their pace and build on the things they enjoy doing already. For example, despite her lack of confidence, what sorts of things does your daughter like to do and what friends and relations has she got that make her feel good? Here is the place to start, by organising preferred activities with good friends, gradually introducing new things. Encouraging small steps in the right direction is the best way.
Also, what does your daughter feel about her lack of confidence?  Rather than assuming you know what is best for your daughter, it can be a good idea to talk to her about the problem and to see what she would like to be different. She might come up with ways she could improve her confidence herself (like a new activity she would like to start or a friend that she would like to meet). The more you and your daughter work together on a plan the more likely it is to succeed.
Finally, the most important thing you can do is to be there for your daughter, to be a shoulder to dry on as she meets obstacles (like the sports day) and to support and encourage her with each small step of success. Remember that in the long-term, most children who are anxious or who have poor self-esteem, go on to be happy and confident adults.

Homework battles
Q. Doing homework with my nine year old son is a real battle sometimes. He refuses to do it or says he can’t do it (when I know he can). Sometimes I have to sit with him for a couple of hours to get him through his reading in particular. We are both exhausted at the end or it ends up in a row. What can I do?

A. The first thing to do is to talk with your son’s teacher to check whether he is having similar difficulties in school (e.g. your son could have a specific difficulty with reading which needs to be addressed). Spending two hours on homework, is far too long and likely to be counter-productive (the recommended amount of time is half an hour for a boy your son’s age). The aim is to try and change homework into a more positive experience for your son.
The second thing to remember is that doing homework is your son’s responsibility and not yours. While you can be there in the background supporting and facilitating, you cannot do the homework for your son and you should try to back off a little and let him take responsibility to complete it. The sorts of things you can do to help are as follows

1) Make sure he has a good space to do his homework with no distractions (e.g. no TV, or no play station until he is finished) 
2) Choose a good time for your son do his homework (e.g. not too late when he is tired) and try to keep the same time each day so it becomes a routine
3) Set a time limit for the homework (e.g. between 30 and 45 minutes). If he finishes it sooner well and good, but he should stop after 45 minutes. If he hasn’t finished by then he must go into school and tell his teacher (and thus take responsibility himself).
4) Be encouraging and take an interest in your son homework, and give him some help if he asks, but make sure to give him the space to do it himself. When he has completed his homework, ask him to tell you what he has done and be very encouraging about anything he has done well.
5) Make sure something rewarding follows the homework (such as dinner or playtime).

Sibling Rivalry
Q. My two sons (seven and five) are constantly arguing and fighting. I feel like I spend my whole day just being a referee between the two of them. Sometimes, I lose my own temper and all three of us get upset. Their fights are dragging the atmosphere of the whole family down. I just wish they could learn to share and get on. 

A. Though fights and arguments between brothers and sisters are part and parcel of growing up, excessive fighting is a problem and it is important to take steps to solve it and to teach your children how to get on with one another in the long term.Try and work out if there is anything at the bottom of the squabbling. Does one of your children feel inadequate and jealous of the other who might be getting on better at school? Or are you inadvertently favouring one of the children, (e.g. it is easier to let a younger child away with things and ‘expect more’ from the older child). Once you have a sense of what is causing the fighting then you can do something positive about it. For example, you can resolve to spend special time with the child who feels inadequate, doing an activity with them that he is good at, thus building his confidence, or you can resolve to be fairer with an older child, giving both children equal attention. Some other ideas are as follows:

1)       Set up shared activities with you and the two children, when you can help and guide your children in playing well together. When you see any moments of sharing, be sure to notice this saying for example, ‘you gave your brother some of your cars, it is good to see you sharing’. You could also establish a reward system, for example they each get a sticker any time you see them sharing or being kind to one another. 

2)      Help the children solve their own problems. Rather than jumping in the minute they have a row, give them time to sort it out themselves (unless they are harming one another). If you do get involved instead of being a referee and imposing a solution, step back and help the children come up with their own ideas saying for example ‘OK both of you want to play with the play station, what can we do?’ If you take time to listen, often the kids will come up with their own solutions. 

3)      Arrange a family meeting when you can sit down (away form the original conflict) with your sons and help them sort out their disagreements. Rather than being be a ‘judge’, it is important to be positive saying what you want to happen:  ‘I want to help the two of you learn to get on and share more, this will make things happier in the home. How can we make this happen’ The most important thing to do then is to listen to your children and help them think through how to solve things. BACK TO TOP

Parenting Tips for Teens 

Mood swings
Q. My thirteen-year-old daughter used to be such a happy-go-lucky child and now she is moody and argumentative all the time. I know that people say this is normal for a teenager but I am surprised at the severity of her moods. She can explode for no reason and storm off and then at other times she is tears – saying she doesn’t know what wrong with her.

A. The teenage years are definitely an emotional rollercoaster ride. With the onset of puberty, teenagers experience the full range of adult emotions, from joy to sadness and from depression to anger. Yet they are frequently overwhelmed by these emotions and do not have the skills to manage or express them appropriately. This is something they have to learn and you can see it as your job as a parent to support them as they do. The critical thing is to help your daughter understand and name her feelings and you can do this by being a good listener when she is upset. Rather than criticising her for her feelings you can simply acknowledge them saying something like ‘you seem sad’ or ‘that must be frustrating’.
A good time to listen is when your daughter approaches you, for example, when she says she ‘does not know what is wrong for her’. This is the time to listen and help her say what happened and how she is feeling, as well as being reassuring and supportive. It is also a good idea to normalise what your daughter is experiencing and it can be helpful to share some of your own experiences as a teenager when you were struggling with similar issues. Teenagers really appreciate realising that they are not the ‘only one’ with these problems. Remember, listening doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything your daughter says, it is simply about understanding her feelings and point of view.
 Once you have empathised with your daughter, then you can help her think of ways she can manage her feelings or come up with an action plan about how to deal with the problems that underpin them. Finally, if when you talk to your daughter you are concerned that there are more serious problems at the bottom of her mood changes, consider contacting a counsellor or your GP for extra advice and support.

Worried About the World
Q. My twelve year old boy has always been a bit of a worrier but recently it has got worse. He worries about all sorts of things such as catastrophies that might happen and is very affected by what he sees on the news. For example, recently he has become really worried about global warming and rising sea levels that will lead to floods. I am not sure how to reassure him, because he always has an answer.

A. Many children are prone to anxiety and worrying about lots of different things and it can be a feature of some personalities. On approaching adolescence, children can begin to think more complexly and their worries can become more intellectual and related to world concerns. At this point, it can become more difficult as a parent to simply reassure your child as often their worries have a grain of truth in them and can raise real issues (and indeed they can provoke or touch off or own worries as parents.
In these situations, it is useful to listen to your child, taking their concerns seriously and to engage in discussion about them. As well as being reassuring it is important to focus on constructive action that they can take about the concerns (for example, maybe your son could find out more about the environment and or even join a group that promotes to positive action such as recycling etc.). While you may not be able persuade your son not to worry you may be able to channel his concerns into constructive action. It is also useful to be reassuring and supportive and to remind your son that whatever happens in the future you will be there for him.
In addition, as well as listening to your son’s worries it is important to have ‘worry free times’, when you can focus on other positive things and help your son engage in these. Agree with your son that you won’t talk about worries at certain times and then distract him with other conversations and activities. Encouraging other interests and outlets is also important.

Finally, if your son becomes obsessive or very troubled by his worries do consider seeking professional help. Your GP is a good place to start who could refer him to counselling or to a child and adolescent mental health service.

Drug use 17 year old
Q. I think my 17 year old son might be using drugs. He has a group of friends who he goes out with on a Saturday and we suspect that they use ecstasy when they go out. One of has friends parents who we know well has the same concerns. While we have no hard evidence, should we approach him to find out the extent of his drug use and if so what is the best way to do this. He will be eighteen in a few weeks so I am not sure what I can do to prevent him using. 

A. Even if you don’t have hard evidence, it is a good idea to talk to your son about your concerns, rather than avoiding the subject. There is some research evidence to suggest that children whose parents keep an open dialogue with them about drugs (rather than sweeping the subject under the carpet) are less likely to use drugs and more likely to use safely.
Generally the best way to raise such a potentially tricky subject with your son is to first pick a good time to talk when you both won't be busy and when you will have space and no interruptions and then to be quite upfront and direct with what you know and your concerns. For example, saying ‘I heard that some of your friends are using drugs and I am concerned that you might be involved as well’. It is important not to be accusing but to focus on your concerns and to let him know what you want to happen (e.g. ‘I need to know you are safe and not using drugs’). Also make sure to listen and to give him lots of space and time to talk. 
The aim is to come to some sort of agreement about what is going to happen next (your son agreeing not to use again, or to avoid social situations where there is drug use), but you might also think through what you are going to do if you can get no agreement or if completely denies any problems or refuses to open up and talk (for example you could approach him again later when he has had time to think or you could consider contacting professional drug services for further advice).  The most important thing is to begin the dialogue. BACK TO TOP